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by: John McMahon
Often people who live with an alcoholic spend much if, not all, of their time
looking after the drinker. They worry about when he will arrive home, even if he
will arrive home. They worry about what condition he will be in when he arrives
home, whether he will be in a good mood or spoiling for a fight. It is a wonder
that anyone living with an alcoholic has time to do anything else, other than
see to their drinker.
Organizations such as Al-anon rightly suggest that anyone who lives with an
alcoholic needs to detach. That is they need to stand back from the alcoholic
and let him lead his own life. That means worrying about him less, stopping
clearing up after him and no longer making excuses for him and generally letting
him experience the consequences of his drinking. Agreed this is not an easy
thing to do, especially if you have been caught up in his drinking for some
years.
One thing that may help is to ensure that you have a life of your own. As many
people who live with alcoholics do, you may have been covering for your
alcoholic and ensuring that the world does not know of your problems. This wall
of secrecy is a double edged sword. On the one hand it protects you from the
shame and stigma of the problem drinking behavior. It hides the worst of the
anguish, arguments and anxiety but it also cuts you off from the very people
that can help, your friends.
Most people who live with an alcoholic find themselves losing touch with their
friends. It does not usually happen quickly, instead it happens over time as you
refuse first one invitation, then another. Soon there are no invitations to
refuse any more.
It is time to change that situation. It is time to, not only accept invitations,
but also to issue a few for yourself. It is time to stop hiding away and to stop
being secretive about the problems that you are facing. It is time to stop
living in the shadow of the alcoholic and start living for yourself. There may
be something that you have always wanted to do, for example you may have wanted
to learn more about using computers, or learn about photography or learn to
paint. These are things that you can do for you.
There are real benefits to having your own life. If you focus on something other
than your alcoholic means then you will spend less time worrying about him and
his behavior. Research suggests that being left to fend for himself can bring
the reality of his problem home to him. Your self esteem will improve and your
depression and anxiety levels will decrease. Having interests outside the home
and the alcoholic will make you more interesting and will reduce your levels of
resentment. It will help you to build a support network that could sustain you
when things are difficult. Lastly it will reduce the fear of being left on your
own if the relationship finally becomes unsustainable.
So if you live with an alcoholic make sure that you have a life for yourself and
that you have a network of friends and family that can support you when you need
it.
Living With An Alcoholic
Living with an addict of any kind is always difficult, especially when you love
them and they are part of your family. Addictive behavior is very destructive
and the addict can unwittingly ruin the life of their loved ones.
John McMahon has worked in the addiction field for over 25 years. In that time he has worked as a therapist, university lecturer and researcher and has published about 50 articles in scholarly journals and books. He is also the originator of a brand new concept in alcohol treatment on line - 24/7 Help Yourself as well as a website to provide help and support for people living with problem drinkers - Bottled-up.
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