THE PERFECT CHOICE OF LIFE-PARTNER

 

(H.G. Bishop Moussa)

 

There is no doubt that the choice of a life-partner is a

vital decision. It is the decision of a lifetime; you need

to be successful in choosing your life-partner. No doubt

there are many forces at work in this decision, the outcome

of which is a crucial step; one of personal destiny. What

are these forces? Let's consider them from the lowest

upwards. The lower drives, unfortunately, are the most

pressing and clamorous. The higher powers are less

insistent, yet they are the more reliable guides.

1. Instinct

This is humanity's most basic drive, for we shares it with the animals. A young person may imagine, at the onset of youth, that he or she has chosen the right life-partner.

This choice may merely be the result of propinquity: of

being crammed together in public transport or in overcrowded

housing conditions. Most typically, it can stem from the

incessant stimulation of the modern media and - even worse -

video, which carries highly provocative material. However

simplicity and chastity are assumed, the more powerful

prompting voice lurking behind is undoubtedly instinct. It

has its call, its heat, its treacherous currents, especially

under the influence of external stimulation and internal hormonal activity.

 

It is well known that young people at that age undergo a

phase where they are inclined to have knowledge of the other

sex. So their attentions shift from one personality to

another in a changeability characteristic of that age.

Deception is so dangerous at this phase, when we think we

have chosen well and are proceeding towards a perfect

marriage. However good our intentions, however keen we may

be to please God, the strong voice of instinct makes itself

felt at this age. The truth, that instincts alone cannot

lead us into the path of holy marriage, should be made

clear.

The dangers of this attitude are clear enough, especially

for the young girl. For they may lead to risky involvements

and damaging results. Consequently, young people undergoing

this phase need to be aware of the range of their instincts,

their recognized limitations and the need to elevate them,

in holiness and in progression towards maturity. Those

envisaging marriage must not allow the message of the beauty

of the body and sensual desires to determine their choice of

life-partner. These motives must be cut down to size, since

"Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain" (Prov 31:30) and the

body returns to dust (Gen 3:19).

2. Emotions

This is the second set of drives. Although they may seem

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finer than instincts, they are related at the core.

Emotions are a part of the psychological system, necessarily

then of the natural system.

Therefore, we cannot rely on them as a sufficient guide to

the choice of life-partner. Untrammelled emotions are

subject to human limitations: they are fickle, superficial

and tend to get us into tricky situations.

Fickle: Emotion is not spiritual, pure, sacrificial love.

It is a kind of trade-off: a relationship based on what you

can get out of it. It is a form of selfishness: you have a

special motive for love. You find in your partner something

you are missing: a resource that you need and want to draw

on. On the other hand, spiritual love carries on "in spite

of ..." For it is a divine, self-giving love. It is

generous, giving without waiting for a response, even

without getting anything in return. It can be compared to

God's love, which prefers giving to receiving: it gives

itself to the other.

Superficial: Emotion does not run deep in the human being.

Lovers get high on it for a quickly fading moment as it is

superficial, highly excitable, not deeply rooted in the

heart. It is facet of the soul - not of the spirit, which

is the most profound part of our human identity.

May Degenerate: Emotion, without the spirit, may degenerate

into bodily desires and sensuality at a rate which may vary

from one person to the other, depending on that individual's

concern for personal salvation, struggle against sin, and

sanctification of marital life.

3. Mind

This is a higher power. It distinguishes human beings from

the animals. The animal has rudimentary instincts and

emotions, but human beings are characterized by the mind and

the spirit. The mind is a noble gift of the Creator, yet it

is substantially limited. It cannot be the sole arbiter of

this crucial choice. Can the mind really get to the bottom

of things? Can it, no matter how intelligent one may be,

discover the depths of the chosen partner's psychology and

his or her character? Can it gauge the unknown and the

future and foretell what destiny is reserved for him or her?

Or for his or her life-partner? So, the couple and both

their families have to think through things. Yet the mind

alone is not enough as a guide. Yes the mind ponders the

suitability of both partners socially, ethically,

economically, religiously, etc. What is possible and what

is not? What is fitting and what is not? Nevertheless, the

mind is unable to give the last word.

4. Spirit:

This is the decisive element, the divine part in us, the

power which links us to God. By it we believe in God, gaze

into His heaven and live out His commandments. Therefore,

the divine voice is the most significant. The satisfaction

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of the spirit is really crucial. The only guarantees for

giving the spirit its opportunity to thrive, to move and to

guide are:

+ Sincere and consistent prayers in true surrender, in

accordance with God's will, with the conviction that God

knows and will choose the best, and works out everything for

our good. He works in a way which is radically different

from our limited human approach.

+ Finding pointers of Christ's ideas in His Holy Gospel, as

it shines in our hearts in a special way and gives a power

of discernment in controversial matters.

+ Giving opportunities for discussion with family members

and friends capable of giving the right advice. Sharing our

thoughts with others cancels psychological tension and its

bad effects. Being open to the Lord to speak through

family, friends and the spiritual father.

These are the main forces at work in making this important

decision. Let us summarize them according to their

importance:

1. Spirit: praying in

surrender, asking for the Lord's

guidance.

2. Mind: thinking calmly

and intelligently.

3. Emotions: feeling

acceptance towards the partner-tobe.

4. Instincts: sacred,

caught up into an expression of

spiritual love, within a family

which is a true church and a unity

blessed by the Most Holy.

Proceed, my friend, keep yourself under the protection of

 

||    Pope Shenouda    ||    Father Matta    ||    Bishop Mattaous    ||    Fr. Tadros Malaty    ||    Bishop Moussa    ||    Bishop Alexander    ||    Habib Gerguis    ||    Bishop Angealos    ||    Metropolitan Bishoy    ||